Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the
fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
“T-square, do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper
and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed
that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He
called his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into
the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his
dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government
Worker and said, “What can your dog do?” The Government Worker called to his dog
and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate
the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other
three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report
for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for
the rest of the day on sick leave.
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared. Bill was
amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, “Nope…not these
days…I’m only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So…what’ll be?” Bill
didn’t hesitate. He said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want
these countries to stop fighting with each other.” The Genie looked at the map
and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at war for thousands of
years. I’m good but I’m not THAT good. I don’t think it can be done. So make
another wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “You know, people really
don’t like my wife. They think she’s a real bitch and ugly as sin. I wish for
her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like
her. That’s what I want.” The Genie thought for a minute and said, “Hhhmmm. Let
me see that map again.”
Old Royal Jokes
Prince Charles & his son William were in South Africa visiting recently.
While out on Safari Prince Charles found an old bottle in the sand and picked it up. It had interesting etchings on it so he gave it a rub and suddenly “POOF” a magical genie appears before him and says… “thank you for releasing me your highness after 200 years of being trapped in that bottle. As a token of my gratitude I will grant you one wish”.
Not being a selfish man, the Prince thought long and hard, and finally a smile came to his face. “It’s been a really tough 12 months for my Mum, what with Diana’s death, Fergy being up to her antics, and to top it off… her favourite corgi died last week which broke her heart. It would mean a lot to me and her if you could resurrect it for her”.
The genie clapped his hands twice and both of them were instantly transported back into Buckingham Palace’s gardens under the tree where the Queen’s favourite pet had been buried. When they dug it up the poor thing looked pathetic. Rot had set in, the fur was off in patches and it’s ribs
were showing through. Both the Prince & the Genie lurched back with the sight of it and the smell (the Prince was trying not to gag).
The Genie turned to him and said ” sorry your heiness, but the poor creature is too far gone. Even my magic powers are unable to resurrect this pathetic but much loved animal. As a consolation I will grant you another wish”.
The Prince thought hard & long again and he suddenly looked up with a smile and said… “I would like you to make Camilla look young and beautiful”!
The Genie thought for a moment with a frown on his face and turned to Charles and said… “lets just take a second look at the corgi – will we” !
An older couple were not playing golf like they want to, so they decide to take
private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing,
he says, “No, no, no. You’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should
I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d
hold your wife’s breast.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He
hits the ball 250yds straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with
the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson. The next day the wife
goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re
gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club
gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.” The wife listens carefully
to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP – the ball goes straight down the
fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was impressive!!,” the pro says. “Now, take the
club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
I’ll e Late!
So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.
Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to
invite him for the following Saturday. “Sure, I’d love to play,” says George,
“but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.” So Saturday rolls around.
Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for
them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new
fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday. “Yeah,
sounds great,” says George. “But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for
me.” The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this
time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to
leave, George says: “See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late,
so wait for me.” Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with
whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says,
“Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late,
but you’re right on time. And you beat us either left-handed or right-handed.
What’s the story?” “Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get
up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play
left-handed. And if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.” “So
what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bob asks. “Then I’m about ten
minutes late,” George answers.
Little ten-year-old Freddie goes for a long week-end with his Uncle, a wealthy
Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining
guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who
shouts out, “Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!” Uncle John,
highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain
decorum is required. “You should have said, ‘The bull is surprising the cow’ –
not some filth picked up in the playground,” he says. A few days later, Freddie
comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. “Uncle John! The bull is
surprising the cows!” The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, “Thank
you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot
‘surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know…”. “Yes he can!” replies his
obstinate nephew, “He’s fucking the horse!”
The Cow and the Monkey
A farmer owns this cow who keeps crapping all over his paddocks. It starts to
get so bad that he has to move all the other animals to other areas because the
fields are full of shit. Months go by and he has no space left so totally
frantic he goes to the corner shop and orders an ACME industrial strength plug.
On arrival he plugs the cow’s arse, smiling that his troubles are over. Further
months go by and the cow starts to get bigger and bigger. In fact, it is so
large it takes up eight paddocks. The farmer scratches his head and wonders what
to do. Fortunately a travelling circus spots the cow and makes the farmer an
offer so they can display it to the world in the freak show. After further
month’s of huge success the cow is one class act, and has become bloody
enormous. Anyway in the circus is a troop of monkeys that pull corks from
bottles and make music. The monkeys have been obsessed with the cow since it
arrived and one day decide to give the unplugging task a go. With all their
might the monkeys heave ho on the plug and it starts to budge. Finally the last
monkey – the troop leader, takes an almighty grip and yanks.. WOOSH….. all the
shit floods out! The only man not in the fallout zone is a climber at the top of
the nearest hillside and he’s knee deep and laughing his head off. The ring
master of the circus, floats to the top of the shit heap and sees the climber
and shouts “What are you laughing for?”. The climber replies “You should have
seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in”.
Mermaid and the cow
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to
the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed
her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest
son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go
down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a
mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for
your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will
restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four
times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in
the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to
him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to
satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up
and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He
decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to
throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has
happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me
fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty
times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he
said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in
a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son
asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it
did the cow?”
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