Old Drinking Jokes

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.
The bartender gives it to him and says “that’ll be £25.” A minute later the bartender is making conversation and says, “You know, we don’t get many gorillas round these parts.”

The gorilla replies “I’m not surprised at those prices.”

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A three legged dog walks into an American bar and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

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Why can’t Englishmen ever be lawyers?
They can never make it past the bar!

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A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve strings.”

“What? That sucks,” said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.

“Hey, aren’t you that string?” asks the bartender.

“Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”

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A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman looks at him and says “No way mate, you’re out of your head already.”

“Ok” says the brain, “Can I have some helicopter flavour crisps then ?”
“Sorry” says the barman, “We only have plane”

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A man walked into a bar………… OUCH!

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A pizza walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman looks at him and says “Sorry – we don’t serve food.”

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Three guys walk into the bar, order a round of drinks and toast “to 51 days”?

After the third drink and toast, the hostess ask, “what is the meaning of “to 51 days?”. The older of the three guys said, ” we are celebrating the completion of a jig-saw puzzle in 51 days – and on the box is said 2 to 4 years!”

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A little pig walked into a bar one day and ordered a drink. After he finished his drink he asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender told him down the hall on the right. The little pig went and did his business and walked out the door.

A second little pig came in and ordered a whiskey. We he was finished he asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender told him down the hall to the right. The second little pig did his business and left.

The third little pig walked in and ordered a drink. After he finished that one he ordered another one. When he was finished he got up and left. The bartender yelled, “Hey! Aren’t you going to ask me where the bathroom is?”
“Haven’t you read the story?” the third little pig asked. “I’m the little pig that went ‘wee wee wee’ all the way home.”

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A Panda bear walked in to a bar dressed in a trench coat. He sat down and ordered dinner.
After he finished his meal, he pulled out a gun and shot the place up.
As he was walking out, the bartender asked him why he shot the place up. The panda told him to look up the definition of Panda in the dictionary.
That night, after the bartender had returned home, he got out his dictionary. The definition of a Panda is: ‘A tall black and white bear that eats shoots and leaves.’

A white horse walks into a pub and asks the landlord for a drink.
“What would you like” asks the landlord?
“A whisky please” replies the white horse.
“What sort” asks the landlord.
“What sorts do you have” asked the white horse bewildered.
“Well theres all sorts” says the landlord,”There’s Jack Daniels, Bells, Teachers, Grouse, there’s even one named after you.”
“What Eric?”

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A man walked into a bar with a giraffe. He ordered a pint of lager for himself and the same for the giraffe. After several pints, the giraffe collapsed and died! The man finished his drink and made for the door. The barman shouted “You can’t leave that lying there” The man said “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”!

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There is a Mars Bar drinkinng his pint at a bar and a Polo mint walks in and orders a drink.
The Polo mint says to the Mars Bar ” I’m the hardest sweet in this pub”
“Oh really” says the Mars Bar.
They continue drinking and 5 minutes later a Locket walks in and the Polo mint sneaks out the back door. The locket orders a pint drinks it and then leaves.
The Polo mint comes back in and the Mars Bar says “I thought you were the hardest sweet in this pub?”
“I am, but he’s menthol!”

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A man walked into a bar and ordered 4 large whiskeys. The bartender lined them up and the man drank them straight, one after the other.
The bartender said “That was quick”.
The man said “If you had what I’ve got, you would be quick too”.
The bartender said “What have you got then?”
The man replied, “No money!” and ran out the door!!!

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and the barman asks, “Is this a joke?!”

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A man comes into a bar and starts a conversation with the bartender and mentions
that he can do some odd things. The bartender is inquisitive about his strange
talents and asks the gentleman what he can do. The man tells the bartender that
he can lick his right eye, and for a shot of whiskey he would demonstrate it.
The bartender agrees, and the man takes out his glass right eye and licks it.
The bartender is slightly amused, but pays his bet. After the man drinks his
shot of whiskey, he says to the bartender that not only can he lick his right
eye, but he can bite his left eye, and for this the guy will show it to the
bartender for 5. The bartender can clearly see that this guy does not have two
glass eyes because he is not blind, so he takes him up on it. The guy takes out
his false teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender feels stupid, but again
pays the man. The man walks away into the lounge for a while and starts talking
with a group of guys at a table. A little bit later he comes back and says that
for 500 he will get up on one end of the bar and put a glass right at the other
end, and piss into the little glass without spilling a drop. Being a man and
knowing no man could do that, he agrees to the bet. The man gets up on the end
of the bar and starts pissing all over the place, not even getting close to the
glass. The man gets down, and the bartender starts wiping the bar and laughing
and saying that the man now owes him 500. The man looks at the bartender and
says That’s OK, I just bet those guys over there 1000 that I could get up on
your bar, piss all over it and make you clean it up!”

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“DRINKING” WEEK – PART III

The Official Drinking Scale

The starting phases are applicable to both lads and lasses but after
about stage 7 the lads are on their own. Lasses would have gone home
weeks earlier.

THE OFFICIAL DRINKING SCALE

0 – Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 – Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.

2 – Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid/Barman
complimented on choice of blouse/shirt.

3 – Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are
filled with random letters and numbers.

4 – Barmaid/Barman complimented on choice of bra/undies. Partially
visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate
conversation about bras/underwear. Order half a dozen packets of
crisps one by one.

5 – Have brilliant discussion with a guy/gal at bar. Devise foolproof
scheme for winning lottery, sort out
cricket/tennis/football/boyfriend/diet/problems. Agree people are
same world over except for the bloody French.

6 – Feel like a demigod. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise
that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love
them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell her/him you love her/him and
he/she still has an amazing arse.

7 – Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No
reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and Frisbee
them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him
a Long Island Iced Tea. (Only applicable for fellas – girls just
don’t do things like this)

8 – Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of
people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over.
Get up.

9 – Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back
tasting same. Say “that’s much better”. Fight nausea by trying to
play fruit machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 – Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all
four barmen. Talked down by barmen’s wives, who you offer to give a
baby to. (again a very bloke thing – girls would be doing this to
barman). Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of
table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 – Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit
and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a
wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12 – Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t
get key in door. Realise you’ve given address of local football club.
Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

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*SOTALLY TOBER*

starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

I’m not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

I’m just a little slort of sheep

I’m not drunk like tinkle peep

I don’t know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

‘cuz I’ve got all day sober

to Sunday up

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