In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be
with, and women that would love to be with you. THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE
Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.
Being told that you are nice is:
the equivalent to her saying, “I wish that you were my brother.”
her way of saying that “I hope we can just be friends.
A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone. A Bitch is a woman that will
sleep with anyone but you. All women are Bitches.
Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or
your mother’s best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any
woman would die for.
These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you
don’t go out with a hundred women a week. Much less one.
When a woman says “No!” she really means “Yes!” — except, of course, when she
The Blonde and the Red Head
A blonde and a redhead were sitting at a bar one night when the 10:00 news came
on. The news showed a man standing on the Brooklyn Bridge threatening to jump.
The redhead says to the blonde, I bet you $50 that he jumps, and the blonde
agrees to the bet. So in watching the news they see that he does indeed jump.
The blonde hands over $50 to the redhead. A few minutes later the redhead gives
the $50 back to the blonde while confessing, “I can’t take your money, I saw
that news clip on the 5:00 news” the blonde then confesses, “I saw it too on the
5:00 news, I just didn’t think he would jump again!”
Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and
demean a woman to gain here affection. If you completely disregard her
existence, she’ll die for you.
The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how
attracted you are to her. If you are absolutely in love with everything about
her, her hints will amount to, “I really like your roommates new shoes.” If
you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a
week with her in the Bahamas.
A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he
treated her like dirt afterwards. She will go on-and-on for hours, until she
builds up enough nerve to ask him out again.
Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be:
heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year,
my brother’s ex-girlfriend.
A “Taken” woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks
don’t matter anyway and that she’d go out with you if she wasn’t already
“Taken” women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense
of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and
A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk,
wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up.
Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense.
Women will confuse you and make you distraught.
Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world. They are the most
precious element that the world could ever know. Everything from the way
they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture,
dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste — is
Q. How can you tell if a woman has been using a computer?
A. It has correction fluid on the screen.
Why are women like computer compilers?
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
When you ask what’s wrong, they say “nothing”.
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild.
How to shower like a woman Long version:
(sorry, there is no short version with women)
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning cos
there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so
that you can complain and whinge even more about how you’re getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realise that your boyfriend/husband has once
again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you
must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can’t be bothered,
and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you’re like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you
get a rush of cold water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.
How To Shower Like a Man Short version:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along
the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs. (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.
Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.
What A Man Hears
What the woman says:
This place is a mess! C’mon you and I need to clean up, your
stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear if
we don’t do laundry right now.
What the man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, C’MON Blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I Blah,
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR Blah, blah, blah NO CLOTHES
Blah, blah, blah RIGHT NOW!
“Male & female Interpretations”
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look
male: The organ of mooning and passing gas.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to
tossing it out.
* * * * *
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked
robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in
because it`s too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in
“What’s wrong” asks the mother.
“I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
“Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother tells
her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay” says the mom,”I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog!”
* * * * *
Blond joke A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message
to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she
exclaimed, “I don’t have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to
get a message to my mother in Poland!” The man arched an eyebrow.
“Anything?” “Yes, anything” the blonde promised. With that, the man said,
“Follow me” He walked into the next room and ordered, “Come in and close the
door” She did. He then said, “Get on your knees” She did. Then he said,
“Take down my zipper” She did. He said, “Go ahead…take it out” She took
it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and
whispered, “Well….go ahead!” The blonde slowly brought her lips closer,
and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly “HELLO…..MOM???” >
* * * * *
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR VIAGRA IS WORKING:
– At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a
meeting, the table floats.
– Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
– When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to
call you “the tripod.”
– You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
– Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.
– Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.
– Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc… lets you go to the front of the
– Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn’t look like such a liar.
– You always lose limbo contests.
– Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
– You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
– You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had
some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we’ve had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?” the
“That’s the one!”
That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me.
Why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
* * * * *
This isn’t a joke, but it appears in today’s USA Today, and I couldn’t help
but laugh. Perhaps it’ll help you through the cold . . .
____________________ GLENPOOL, Okla. – Heather Joy thinks she’s found a way
to a cowgirl’s heart. She makes handcrafted bags from bull scrotums. The
cost of each of her True Cowgirl’s Purses depends on whether the bag is
personalized, hand-dyed or is adorned with silver or brass. The bags start
at $110. The raw material is hard to come by, she said, because there
aren’t that many processing plants in the area that handle bull scrotums.
Joy got the idea, which she admits ”is not for everyone,” after seeing ads
for a similar item in catalogs. ”You couldn’t even close it. What kind of
purse is that?” Her purses are scraped, soaked in salt water and dried
before they’re shipped to a Wyoming Company where they’re pickled, she said.
The bags, which come in different sizes and colors, are flat and supple by
the time they are put on sale.
_______ Different sizes? Supple?? Give me a break . . .
* * * * *
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven.
On entering they are told that they must present something “Christmassy.” in
order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the
family’s Christmas tree.
He is let it.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were
opened earlier in that night.
So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
To which he replies, “Oh,… they’re Carol’s!”
* * * * *
ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES FOR HAVING A THREESOME
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There’s always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don’t work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without
actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn’t as much of a problem,
the “wrong name” is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you’re in the bathroom, the
other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn’t suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you
didn’t suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes
15. Now there’s two wet spots to avoid.
Old Men Jokes
WHY ARE BLONDE JOKES SO SHORT?
“So men can remember them”
WHAT IS THE THINNEST BOOK IN THE WORLD?
“What men know about women”
WHY DON’T MEN USE TOILET PAPER?
“Because God made them perfect ass holes”
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A MAN IS SEXUALLY EXCITED?
“He is breathing”
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY WAKE UP?
“Because they don’t have balls”
WHAT IS A MANS IDEA OF FOREPLAY?
“A half hour of begging”
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
“One. Men will screw anything”
WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH AN IQ OF 50?
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A MAN IS HAPPY?
WHAT DO MEN AND BEER BOTTLES HAVE IN COMMON?
“They are both empty from the neck up”
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?
“We don’t know……..it never happened”
WHY DO MEN HAVE STUPID LOOKS ON THEIR FACES?
“Because they are stupid”
HOW ARE MEN AND PARKING SPOTS ALIKE?
“The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped”
WHAT DO MEN HAVE IN COMMON WITH A TOILET SEAT, ANNIVERSARIES AND A CLITORIS?
“They miss them all”
WHAT DO MEN HAVE IN COMMON WITH CARPET TILES?
“If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them forever”
Old Rules For Women Jokes
The FEMALE makes all the RULES.
The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change the RULES.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
The MALE must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.
If the FEMALE has PMS, all the RULES are null and void.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
The MALE must be ready at all times.
Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.
The MALE who doesn’t abide by the RULES can’t take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.
Old Heath Female Jokes
CONTROL OF SUBSTANCES HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH
HEALTH & SAFETY EXECUTIVE MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
“WOMEN” – A Chemical Analysis
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but may vary from 40 to 200 Kg
Occurrence: Abundant in all urban areas
1.Surface usually covered with painted film,
2.Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any apparent reason.
3.Melts if given special treatment.
4.Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6.Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
7. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
8. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
9. May explode spontaneously without prior reason and for no known reason.
10. Becomes caustic when provoked.
11. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
12. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
13. Mainly ornamental.
14. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
15. Very effective cleaning agent.
16. Pure specimen turns pink when found in natural state.
17. Turns green when placed beside better specimen.
18. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
19. Illegal to posses more than one, although experienced operators can maintain several in different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
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