Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first
place, you fat bastards.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend’s arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility
of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Make your girlfriend cry when you’re having sex by phoning her up and
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least
you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer
by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side
of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle. Save on booze by drinking cold tea
instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of
a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as avisit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights
on when their guide dog isn’t looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public
swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water,
adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails
and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else’s house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only
looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. – D. Rogers, Hemel
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH
directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing
the wrong way up the road. – D. Rogers, Hemel
Hempstead General Infirmary
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower. – B. Johnson, Canada
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff
straight down the pan.
Pretend you’re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical
bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc ‘tastes exactly like the real thing’, they won’t know any
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours,and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of ‘rodeo sex’. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name.
See how long you can ‘stay mounted’ for.
Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive
in is the LEFT fucking one.
Three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the “New Woman
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now”, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter…
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making
love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss
the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom
of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people
yelled, “SURPRISE !!!” My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were
frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again
One of the funniest “most-embarrassing-moment” stories I’ve come
upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a
discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that
one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE
CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.” That was bad enough, but
somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
“tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO
YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
POUND IN WITH A HAMMER??
A LITTLE BOY AND HIS TEACHER:
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him go down to the principal’s office, he was to phone
his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he
returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there
was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to
find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told
you to call your mom.” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “And she told me
that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please
his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know of
anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except—” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”
“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked. The old man reached under
the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange
symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking
The businessman laughed, and said “Big damn deal.
It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to
a door and said “Voodoo Penis, the door.” The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose
out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack
began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said
“Voodoo Penis, return to box!”
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t
for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!”The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided
to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got
in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked
for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and
twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You
see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch
and it won’t stop screwing me!”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied, “Yeah, right…Voodoo Penis, my ass!”
Last year, I upgraded my Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 5.1, which installs itself
as “Fiancee 1.0”. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a real
memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I
can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming
system resources. Some applications, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 2.5, and
Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional
plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is
no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviours was
discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported
similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid
the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend
5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all
traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting
installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks
(usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep)
to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently
has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of grading to Wife 1.0.
However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the
up coming Girlfriend 6.1 release: * A “Don’t remind me again” button * Minimize
button * Shutdown feature * An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be
completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)
Unfortunately, since I’ve already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don’t think I will be
able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to
include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft
of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same
system — most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which
starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all
versions of Personal Lawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently
deletes all MS Money files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find
all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I’m
sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all
these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.
Technophobia – How the other half live…..
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his is working fine.”
Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed
to keep it.
Customer in computer shop: “Can you copy the Internet onto this
disk for me?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icons – I’m
Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t
believe it was meant to-”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in
Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a
filing cabinet…is ‘little picture’ OK?”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division
for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just
She could not print yellow. All the other colours would print fine,
which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan,
magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green
Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the
customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and
reinstall the drivers.
Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the
customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked
“Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech
support number, complaining about the error message: “Can’t find the
printer.” On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in
front of the screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in
the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also
complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very
embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed
away from her.
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on
my home computer.”
Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the
little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them
in the A:drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only
set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message
Every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and
password in capital letters.
Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.”
Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”
Email from a friend: “CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?”
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed
young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms
crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15
he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was
impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
replied “It’s about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant
user called the system maker’s technical support line for
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…
Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You
need to replace it…
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the
startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me
the right command…
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to
explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted
that he was right.
So, in frustration, the technician responded…
Technician:I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this,
but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line “LOAD NOSMOKE.COM” at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…
Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t
include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them
for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…
Customer: I need a new power supply…
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you
said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…
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