Old Sex Jokes & Chatup Lines

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?”
the bartender inquired. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the
young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first
blowjob,” the man answered. “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th
on the house.” “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the
taste, nothing will.”

Different Orgasms
Apparantley ther are 4 types of orgasm, Positive, Negative, Religious and Fake.
Positive Oh yes, Oh yess, Ohhh Yessss! Negative Oh oo, Oh noo, Oh Noooo! Regious
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! Fake {Insert your name here} you are wonderful/so good.

Kick Your Legs in Thee Air
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher
wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven First. One little
girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because
you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the
little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, “I think your
heart goes to heaven first because God is all bout love.” “Very good,” said the
teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no”, she
thought, “I’m not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you
think goes to heaven first?” Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your
feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He
replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had
her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!'”

Sex
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate
enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the
leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic
scene. We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her
now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position
of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for
as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved
slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as
tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she
approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every
time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As sexual
tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I
could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us.
As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last
deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching
night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long
and loving and whispered how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously
licked my inner ear and whispered: “Baaaa” …then re-joined the
flock.

The Maid
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One
day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. “But
why?” asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want
to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, “Well, on my day off a
couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next
county, and well, I’m pregnant.” The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose
you. My husband and I don’t have any children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you
will stay.” She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would
stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. After several months
though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife
questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband,
and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they
adopted it, and life went on as usual. In a few months, however, she again said
she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer,
she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but
then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.” “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant
again?” asked the lady of the house. “No,” she said, “there are just too many
kids here to pick up after.”

Put it Away
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
hands. He’s moaning something about ‘They took my car!’. Seeing he is quite well
dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and
proceeds to question the man. “What are your car keys doing out?” “My car, it
was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it! Please ossifer, get
my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They
stole it and it was right here; right on my key! “OK, OK, stand up, let’s get
some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging
out). Aw s**t mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!”
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, “Oh my God, they
stole my girlfriend!”

Little Tease
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s
wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As
they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2
feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the
excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests
she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla
gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband
suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just
about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs… this
drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife,
rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now,
tell HIM you have a headache.”

The Pharmasist
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the
boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
“Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy goes inside
and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is
still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement
from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this
religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.”

200 Bucks
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. ” Hi is
Tony home?” ” No he went to the store.” “Well, you mind if I wait?” ” No come
in.” They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell – a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks
on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so
beautiful I got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I
could just see the both of them together.” Nora thinks about this and says what
the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and
throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for
Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know
your weird friend Chris came over. ” Tony thinks about this for a second and
says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?” 

——————————————————————————–

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman…… They exchange brief Hellos and he
noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replied, “This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average
penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my
name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replied, “Tonto Kawalski, nice
to meet you.”

——————————————————————————–

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his
wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over
and said, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” Her husband, rejected, turned over and
tried
to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife
again. This time he whispered in her ear, “Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?”

——————————————————————————–

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had
a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s
wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had
this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh,
Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh, she got fired
too.”

——————————————————————————–

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The
man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good Sign and
suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This
produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The
doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then
suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait
outside as it is a personal act and he didn’t want the man to be
embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later,
white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor
asked what happen to which the man replied, “She choked.”

——————————————————————————–

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the
alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons “I’ll make
you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute He’ll then
open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd
murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital,
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over
the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit
me on the head with the beer bottle.”

——————————————————————————–
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a
huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon
the small white guy and said, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.” The small guy
fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought
him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white
guy, “What’s wrong?” Our petite friend said, “Excuse me, but what did
you say?” The black giant looked down and repeated, “7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name
is Turner Brown” The white guy sighed, “Oh, thank God! I thought you said
‘Turn around!!'”

——————————————————————————–

What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night? “Now I
know why you named your company Microsoft!”

Chat Up Lines

1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop ’em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the
first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said:
“Smile is you want to sleep with me.”
And watch them try to hold back their grin.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over.
When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you
would cum.”
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck?
HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?
22. A women asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?”
You: “Do you have the energy?”
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow? Or are you classy and Gargle?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book.
So what’s one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match reply:
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much your weight.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I’d look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nugde you?
54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?
56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
57. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
58. Excuse me, is it true that you’re a sexual tyrannosaurus?
59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
60. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky
and put them in your eyes.
61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say:
“I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”
62. Let’s do breakfast tomorrow–should I call you or nudge you?
63. You know what I like about you? My arms.
64. I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen… On a Wednesday.
65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?
66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?
67. You’re ugly, but you interest me.
68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don’t you?
69. Do you believe in one-night-stands?
70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.
71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?
72. If I gave you a neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it
for me?
73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
74. I’m leaving this place… want to cum?
75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line?
And are you dissapointed?
76. Why you’ve got the whitest teeth I’d ever want to cum across!
77. Who’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
78. Ok, fuck me if I’m wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
79. I know I don’t look like much now, but I’m drinking milk.
80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get ’em while they’re hot!
81. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and
tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.
82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
83. That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
84. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself
in them.
85. Are you religious? Good, because I’m the answer to your prayers.
86. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and
talk to me.
87. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven?
88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your
clothes on?
89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?
91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac’s
92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was
wondering if you’d mind if I fantasize about you?
93. Sit on my lap and we’ll get things straight between us
94. You smell wet. Let’s Party.
95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
96. Gee, you don’t sweat much for a fat chick.
97. Miss, If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud’ and say:
Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting…
Let’s meet sometime…
100. I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty
good.
101. No, I’m not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have
a weak heart.
103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn’t make it this afternoon, she asked me
to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
104. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
105. Excuse me, I’m a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a
cab home together?
106. What’s your sign?
107. You have the ass of a great artist.
108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
109. Let’s take a shower together –you smell.
110. I’ve gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
112. Didn’t anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I
thought you knew…
113. Cold out isn’t it? (staring at breasts)
114. “Hey… somebody farted. Let’s get out of here.”
115. “What was that?” “That sound.” “It was the sound of my heart
breaking.”
116. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your
body?
117. Stand back, I’m a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I’ll loosen her
clothes.
118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it’s a GEM.
120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??
123. I’ll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your cloths off in 30 seconds
124. I’d like to rearrange the alphabet and put u and i together
125. Since we shouldn’t waste this day and age what you say we use these
condoms in my pocket before they expire
126. Would you like to see me naked ??
127. I lost my phone number can i borrow yours ??
128. I was sitting here holding this cigarrete and I realized I’d rather
be holding you
129. If your parents hadn’t met I’d be very a very unhappy man right now
130. Anything drugs can do I can do with my tongue
131. Either way, I’m going to have you tonight, so you may as well be there.
132. Wanna go halves in a baby ?
133. Do you like chicken? Suck this it’s foul!
134. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!
D’ya wanna do lunch!
135. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
No! D’ya wanna go upstairs and talk!
136. Holding out two fingers say, “why should women masturbate with these
two fingers?” When they say, “I don’t know”, you say, “Coz they’re
mine sweetheart”.
137. I feel like Richard Gere, I’m standing next to you, the Pretty
Woman.
138. “Sit on my face and let me get to ‘nose’ you better?”
139. Will you marry me and have my children? (Unfortunate Side Effects !)
140. Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? I promise it isn’t 3.5 inches and it
ain’t floppy.
141. Actually, Ma’am, Ah’m not as tall as you think. Ah’m from taixus, and
Ah’m sittin’ on mah wallet.
142. Do you like pork? Suck this it’s dripping.
143. The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you
on the floor.
144. Suck my dick or I’ll blow your fucking head off! [Requires a gun] 145. Excuse me do you have change for a $100 bill??
146. Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
147. A friend used to give out cards with the following on:
1    2    3    4     5
Pick A Number
And on the back of the card it read:
Sex Maniacs always pick 3
You wouldn’t beleve how many women picked 3. It was a great card.
148. That’s a nice smile you’ve got – shame that’s not all your wearing.
149. What nice legs you’ve got. I wouldn’t mind wearing them as a belt.
150. Follow these instructions.
1: Make sure that you are in front of the person your trying
to attract.
2: Put your hands in a vertical plante and seperate your hands
to the proper distance you want to get across.
3: Look at the person or your affections and with a shit eating
ear-to-ear grin shake your head up and down as to reply
that you’re this big!
151. To a girl in a towel:-
Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
152. I’m writing a new algorithm and I need some test data. What are you
measurements?
153. If you want me, don’t shake me, or wake me, just take me.
154. Do you want to see my stamp collection?
155. Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?
156. Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
157. Hey you wanna try our my new Home Insemination Kit??
158. I was once a lawn orniment for Jon Bon Jovi.
159. I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied working on toys.
160. I’m a copilot for British Airways.
161. Hey babe! I wanna lick your thighs.
162. Your legs would make a great neck tie.

Extreemly Unsuccessful Chat-up Lines
————————————

1.    Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
2.    Is that a false nose?
3.    You look like a hooker I knew in fresno.
4.    I’m Drunk.
5.    Hi, my friends call me creepy.
6.    Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?
7.    I just threw up.
8.    Your ugly but you inrigue me.
9.    I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.

That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed…

Do you want to see something swell?

Hey babe….do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

Drop ’em.

What do you like for breakfast?

Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Hi there! I’m interested in having breakfast with you.

Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?

Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
She: Uh…no….
Irish: Well, do you want some?

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate
and I was wondering if you’d mind if I fantasize about you?

Say, didn’t we go to different schools together?

Wanna fuck like bunnies?

Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about
the first thing that pops up?

I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back her smile…

Hi, my name’s Ron, how do you like me so far?

Sit on my lap and we’ll get things straight between us

You smell wet. Let’s Party.

Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?

Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.

Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
1. “Would you like to see my boa constrictor?”
2. “Is that a false nose?”
3. “You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.”
4. “I’m drunk.”
5. “Hi, my friends call me Creepy.”
6. “Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?”
7. “I just threw up.”
8. “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”
9. “I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
like that.”

Miss, If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud’ and say:
Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?

Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation? (Think about it…)

Hey baby…infect me!

Hey baby…can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?

Hey baby…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

Hey baby…can you suck start a Harley?

Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
When she arrives say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would c*m.”

Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? What’s the matter, don’t like pizza?

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?

Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!

Suck my dick or I’ll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun]

No, I’m not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]

You’re hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?

Bond. James Bond.

You know, I’d really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone
beat me to it.

Excuse me, do you live around here often?

Excuse me, I’m a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
home together?

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book…
So what’s one more??

Your place, or mine?

What’s your sign?

Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck?

Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

You have the ass of a great artist.

Your face or Mine??

The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to
a young lady in a club and asked “Are you ready to go home now?”. They left
together.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

That’s a nice dress – could I talk you out of it?

If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?

Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt.

Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.

Let’s take a shower together –you smell.

I’ve gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade

I’ve got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out.

If I was Elvis, would you screw me?

Kevin Simon

My Name is Kevin Simon and I am the creator & main author on KS News & Views, I am self employed and can supply IT & Web Design services aswell as Fish pond Maintenance. I have a few hobbies which I write about and anything that interests me really.

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