Old Religion, Car, Boss & Bank Jokes

Spread the love

The Pope
The pope walked into this hotel in Las Vegas and walked up to the desk to check
in. The clerk said” I don’t believe it, it’s Elvis Presely.” The Pope replied,”
No, No it’s me the pope. See my white robes.” The clerk said,” Oh yes I see,
sorry.” and gave him his keys. The bellboy came over to get the Popes bags and
said “Oh my God it’s Elvis Presely, I don’t believe it. I knew you were alive!.”
The Pope chuckled and said,” No, No my son. I’m the Pope, God’s rep on earth.
See my pointed hat and white robes. ” “Oh yes, I see,” said the bellboy and took
his bags up to the Popes room. When the Pope got to his room and opened his door
he saw a naked lady laying on his bed. The naked lady looked at the Pope and
shouted, “Elvis Presely, it’s Elvis Presely.” The Pope said “A one for the
money, two for the show…..”

The Pope and Bernard Matthews
The Pope visits East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says
“You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need
your help.” The Pope says “Speak my child; if I can guide you I will.” Bernard
says “Look, your holiness, turkey doesn’t seem to be as popular as it used to be
at Christmas. Because of this I have been building up a stock of extra turkeys
each year and I need to start selling them all year round. I am willing to pay
you 10 million pounds a year over 10 years to change a single word in the Lord’s
prayer, to help me out.” The Pope looks quizzically at Bernard: “Pray continue,
child.” Bernard says “All I want is one word; if you change ‘give us this day
our daily bread’ to give us this day our daily turkey’, it will stick in
people’s minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I’ll be sorted”. The
pope shakes his head. “The lord’s prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the
church; we couldn’t possibly change it.” Bernard says “OK,OK, I’ll give you 15
million a year for twelve years.” The Pope starts to soften “Well…I suppose we
could change it to ‘give us this day our daily bread AND turkey’…..” Bernard
gets desperate and pleads, “Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a
year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and
so on each five years, for 20 years. That’s really the best I can do.” The Pope
smiles at Bernard and says “I shall help you. Go in peace.” The two shake on it
to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves. The next day the Pope returns to the
Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather
together and the Pope says ” I’ve got some good news, and bad news. The good
news is I’ve got us 20 million pounds a year…” A gasp echoes round the
chamber, and one cardinal says “That is excellent your holiness, but what’s the
bad news?” The Pope replies, “we’ve lost the Hovis account.”

St Peter’s Day off
St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying
access to Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him. “I’m looking
for my son.” he says “And who are you” says Jesus “I’m his Father; well not
really.” says the man “What do you do?” asks Jesus “I’m a carpenter; well not
really” says the man “And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?” asks
Jesus excitedly. “He does!” shouts the man “DADDY!” shouts Jesus “PINNOCHIO!”
shouts Geppetto

Unlucky
There are three guys who have died. They are outside the gates of Heaven.
Unfortunately, lots of people had been dying recently, and they can’t let
everyone in. St Peter decides that whichever of the three had suffered the worst
and most tragic death would get in. The first guy starts, “I came home from
work, to my flat, and I couldn’t find my wife. I then heard her in the shower.
I’d been suspecting that she was having an affair, and I was sure he was still
in the flat. So I went looking for him but couldn’t find him anywhere. Finally I
went out onto the balcony and I saw a man hanging over the edge for dear life.
So I stamped on his fingers. That didn’t work so I tried prying them off. That
didn’t work so I went back into the flat and came out with a knife. Finally he
fell but he landed in a bush in the garden and was still moving. So I went back
into the flat and come back out with my refrigerator which I dropped on him
killing him instantly. I went back into the flat, and started feeling guilty. So
I took my gun and shot myself.” The second guys says, “Imagine this. You are
washing windows at a local block of flats when you slip and fall. You think you
are doomed, but then you catch yourself on a balcony. This happened to me.
However, this guy came out of his flat, and instead of helping me, he tried to
make me fall. Finally he cut my fingers off and I fell. I landed in a bush just
in time to realise that the man was dropping a refrigerator on me. Then I died.”
“OK.” says the third man, “Imagine this. You are having an affair with a guy’s
wife. The guy comes home…you hide in the refrigerator…”

Car Jokes

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to
drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine
if they did . . .

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”
—————————————

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay
the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!?” I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car
that comes with everything built in!”
—————————————-

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Your cars suck!”
HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and
then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”
HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?”
CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn’t crash anymore!”
——————————————–

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

——————————————–

Speeding Ticket
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He
went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing
he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how gorgeous the driver was!
Drop dead blonde, the works. “I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am…. Could
I see your drivers license…?” “…License…???” replied the blonde, instantly
revealing that she wasn’t very bright. “It’s usually in your wallet…” replied
the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration…” asked the cop. “Registration….. what’s
that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment…” said
the cop impatiently. After more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be
back in a minute,” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer radioed
the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few
moments, the dispatcher came back. “Ummm…. is this woman driving a red sports
car?” “Yes,” replied the officer. “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked
the dispatcher. “Uh… yes” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do….” said the
dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants…” “WHAT!!? I can’t
do that. That’s crazy!” exclaimed the cop. “Trust me….. just do it….” said
the dispatcher. So the cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and
registration, and dropped his pants as the dispatcher said. The blonde looked
down and sighed, “Ohh no…not ANOTHER Breathalyser……” 

Old Boss Jokes

WHEN THE LORD MAD MAN, ALL THE PARTS OF THE BODY ARGUED OVER WHO WOULD BE BOSS.

THE BRAIN EXPLAINED THAT SINCE HE CONTROLLED ALL THE PARTS OF THE BODY, HE SHOULD BE BOSS.

THE LEGS ARGUED THAT SINCE THEY TOOK THE MAN WHEREVER HE WANTED TO GO, HE SHOULD BE BOSS.

THE STOMACH COUNTERED WITH THE EXPLANATION THAT SINCE HE DIGESTED ALL THE FOOD, HE SHOULD BE BOSS.

THE EYES SAID THAT WITHOUT THEM, MAN WOULD BE HELPLESS, SO THEY APPLIED FOR THE JOB.

THEN THE ASS HOLE APPLIED FOR THE JOB.

THE OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY LAUGHED SO HARD THAT THE ASS HOLE BECAME MAD AND CLOSED UP.

AFTER A FEW DAYS THE BRAIN WENT FOGGY, THE LEGS GOT WOBBLY, THE STOMACH GOT ILL, THE EYES GOT CROSSED AND UNABLE TO SEE.

THEY ALL CONCEDED AND MADE THE ASS HOLE THE BOSS.

THIS PROVES THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A BRAIN TO BE BOSS….

JUST AN ASS HOLE.

Bank Jokes

Letter received by a bank recently and printed in the New York Times…

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it.  I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.  My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial
ways.  You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.  No more will
our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very own bank.  I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.  You
will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.  Please find attached an Application For
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in all dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice.  By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an
extensive set of menus:
1.To make an appointment to see me;
2.To query a missing repayment;
3.To make a general complaint or inquiry;
4.  To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of
living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5.  To transfer the call to my bed room case I am still sleeping.
Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6.To transfer the call to my toilet case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7.  To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8.  To leave a message on my computer.  To leave a message a pass word to
access my computer is required.  Pass word will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
9.  To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.  While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults
are filled with silver That the miners sweated for!

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know if off
by heart.   On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.  As your
bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
at a cost – a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.  Let
me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.  First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me.  This I will read for a fee of
$20 per A4 page.
Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my
time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for
the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t
come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief
and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.

Kevin Simon

My Name is Kevin Simon and I am the creator & main author on KS News & Views, I am self employed and can supply IT & Web Design services aswell as Fish pond Maintenance. I have a few hobbies which I write about and anything that interests me really.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.