From ‘Timeslides’:
Rimmer: ‘Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I’m
ALIVE!!!!!’ (just before he explodes)
From ‘Confidence and Paranoia’:
‘That’s mine, that’s mine, that’s mine, someone else can have that piece of
floor, that’s mine, and that’s mine. Oooh, I made a lot of things mine, all
I need now is a woman.’ – Cat
The whole conversation in ‘Camille’ when Rimmer & Kryten are
discussing how cute Camille is.
From ‘Camille’:
Kryten: ‘She looks like your cousin? What happened, was she in some kind of horrible accident?’
Rimmer: ‘What, Janine? No, she was a model!’
Kryten: ‘What did she model, spark plugs?’
Kryton to Camille… (in ‘Camille’)
‘You’ll like them…. Well some of them…. Well one of them….. Maybe….’
From ‘Backwards’:
‘Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd’ – Kryten
From ‘Camille’:
‘He’s got droid rot, He’s waving a bannana about and calling it an female
aardvark’ – Rimmer
From ‘Dimension Jump’:
‘Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I’ll be back for breakfast’ – Ace Rimmer
In ‘The Last Day’
‘Dehydration – 34%, Recollection of previous evening – 2%, embaressment
factor – 91%. Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot
startup disk, and replace head – wow, what a night!’
– Kryten
From ‘The Last Day’:
Lister: ‘We’re on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone
explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?’
Cat: ‘Hey it’s not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It’s the
policewoman’s helmet and the suspenders I’m worried about!’
From ‘Thanks for the Memory’:
Rimmer: ‘You ! How did you get into art college ?’
Lister: ‘The same way you always get into art college. The same old smegging
boring normal way everyone gets into art college. I failed my exams
and applied….they snapped me up!’
‘A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don’t
have any defensive shields and two, we don’t have any defensive shields.
I know that, technically, that’s only one drawback, but it was such a big
one I thought I’d mention it twice’ – Kryten (in response to the Cat’s
suggestion that they drop the defensive shields)
From ‘Stasis Leak’:
Holly: Better to have loved and lost than to have listened to an album
by Olivia Newton John.’
Lister: Why?
Holly: Well, anything’s better than listening to an album by Olivia
Newton-John.
[Holly – explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf]
Holly: ‘Nothing wrong with Dog’s milk, lasts longer than any other
type of milk.’
Lister: ‘Why’s that?’
Holly: ‘No bugger will drink it!’
[Holly trying to help Lister recable the damaged Hollogram suite]
Lister: ‘Shouldn’t this cable go somewhere?’
Holly: ‘Yes, connect it to the blue cable.’
— Lister explodes —
Holly: ‘Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it was the yellow cable.’
My favorite moment has to be Holly’s bit in Me^2; the story about the
two supra-light fighters from the Norweb alliance, and how Lister owes
three billion pounds… April Fool… classic!
From ‘Me^2’:
‘Your sausages now cover 98% of the Earth’s surface.’
From ‘Balance of Power’:
Rimmer: ‘I thought the lamb went over rather well.’
Lister: ‘Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and the lemon meringue
pie, man, what was that?’
Rimmer: ‘I thought you liked that – you brought some back.’
Lister: ‘Yea, I wanted to try some on my athlete’s foot!’
From ‘Inquisitor’:
‘I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!’ – Cat
From ‘Queeg’:
‘Holly, you’re as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican’ – Rimmer
[What I think is almost as funny as this line is Rimmer’s accent on
‘condom’.]
‘Lister, if two people come for a job, and one of them’s dead, which one
would you choose?’ – Rimmer
From ‘Camille’:
‘The way the light catches the angles of your head…most enchanting.’
– Kryten to Camille
From ‘White Hole’:
‘I’m not pished.’ – Lister, asserting he wasn’t drunk
‘Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish.’ – Cat, ordering dinner
From ‘Kryten’:
‘But I was only away for a couple of minutes!’
– Kryten, on being told the crew was dead
From ‘DNA’:
‘Of course…lager…the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.’
– Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster
From ‘The Last Day’:
‘Isn’t it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-chewing?’
– Rimmer to Kryten
The dialogue that begins in RD IV, D.N.A. when Kryten says to Lister
‘I’d like to discuss my penis’
‘No vacuum cleaner should give a human a double polaroid.’
From ‘The End’
Holly: ‘Well she [Kochanski] won’t be of much use to you on Fiji … not
unless it snows and you need something to grit the path’
The line goes something like this:
Cat (after coming out of the closet): ‘He won’t find that one, not until he
changes his boots.’ (sees Lister, covers his face): ‘Did you get a good
look at him? Could you see his face? Could you spot him in a parade?
I don’t think so. It could have been anyone.’
From ‘Dimension Jump’:
‘If you’re interested, I’ll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.’
Convict: No weapons?
Lister: No weapons.
[they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister: So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out the end
of the gun)
Lister: (getting worried) I hadn’t thought of that.
A great scene… Especially when the Cat ‘finishes’ him off with the shovel.
From ‘Dimension Jump’:
‘Sorry Bongo but lunch is on Millee’
From ‘Thanks for the Memory’:
‘Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!’ – Holly
From ‘Polymorph’:
‘You forgot Rimmer’s Rule: Never fight anything with more teeth than
the entire Osmond family’
‘That’s not a meal that’s an autopsy!’ – Cat
From ‘Future Echoes’:
‘It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an
event that could will have been taken place in the future.’
From ‘Confidence & Paranoia’:
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: No, what separates us from the animals is that we don’t
clean our own genitals with our tongue.
From ‘Better than life’:
Rimmer’s Father: I just wanted to say….
Rimmer: Yes?
Rimmer’s Father: I just wanted to tell you…. That you’re a complete
and utter smeg head.
Rimmer (suprised): What! That isn’t my fantasy!
Cat: No, it’s mine.
From ‘Thanks for the Memory’:
‘Aliens! Breaking your leg hurts like Hell, right? Hel….and they broke
your legs beLOW the knee…..Hello….they broke TWO of your
legs……Hello to….and putting the puzzle together must mean you!
Hello to you!’
‘Well, I wouldn’t like to be around when one of these guys is giving a
speech!’
‘Rimmer, real proper dumplings, when they’re properly made do NOT bounce!’
From ‘Stasis Leak’:
Cat: What is it?
Rimmer: It’s a rent in the space time continuum.
Cat: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand
still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
whatever it’s leaked into, and it’s leaked into this room.
Cat: What is it?
Rimmer: It’s a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal
laws of space and time don’t apply.
Cat: What is it?
Lister: It’s a time hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door. Well, why didn’t you say that in the first
place?
From ‘Kryten’:
‘His name’s not Mr. Arnold – it’s _Rimmer_ or smeghead, or dinosaur
breath, or molecule mind….and if you want to be really mega polite,
we’re talking mega polite here, on those rare and exceptional
circumstances, you can call him Asshole.’ – Lister to Kryten
From ‘Confidence and Paranoia’:
Confidence: ‘I killed him, cha cha cha.’
Lister: ‘What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?’
From ‘Better than life’:
‘I’m going to eat you little fishie; I’m going to eat you little fishie; I’m
going to eat you little fishie; ‘cos I like eating fish!’ – Cat
From ‘Justice World’:
‘My god, his head’s exploded!’ – Cat
From ‘DNA’:
Kryten: ‘The question is, how do we turn him back?’
Rimmer: ‘No, the question is, do we want to?’
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.)
From ‘Confidence and Paranoia’:
Confidence: Oxygen’s for losers!
From ‘White Hole’:
`Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite… would
you like a toasted tea cake?’ – The Talking Toaster
Rimmer: ‘You’re totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble,
you always look out for Number One, you’re vain, you’re narcissistic
and you’re self-obssessed.’
Cat: ‘Hey, you just listed all my best features!’
AN EPISODE GUIDE TO HELP IN PLACING THESE THINGS
Series One:
The End (Show begins)
Future Echoes (Stuff from future)
Balance of Power (Lister tries to be a chef)
Waiting for God (Lots of Cat stuff here)
Confidence & Paranoia (Lister hallucinates 2 people)
Me^2 (Me Sqaured) (There are two Rimmers)
Series Two:
Kryten (We first meet Kryten)
Better Than Life (Videogame that’s ‘Better Than Life’)
Thanks 4 The Memory (Lister Gives Rimmer some of his memory)
Stasis Leak (The crew goes back in time in the ship)
Queeg (Holly loses the ship to another computer)
Parallel Universe (We meet female versions of the crew)
Series Three: (Kryten joins crew as regular)
Backwards (Crew goes to Earth, and everything is backwards)
Marooned (Lister & Rimmer are marooned on an ice planet)
Polymorph (Shapeshifter than can drain emotions)
Mind Swap (Lister & Rimmer change minds)
Timeslides (Lister becomes the richest person ever)
The Last Day (Kryten’s replacement arrives)
Series Four:
Camille (Kryten falls in love with another android)
D.N.A. (A DNA changing machine is found)
Justice (Crew finds a pod with a killer in it)
White Hole (Return of Toaster; Time changing story)
Dimension Jump (Ace Rimmer appears. Excellent Episode)
Meltdown (Crew lands on a waxwork world)
Series Five:
Holoship (Rimmer tries to get on a hologram ship)
The Inquisitor (Crew must prove worthy people or die)
Terrorform (Crew explores inside Rimmer’s mind)
Quarantine (Rimmer holds the crew in quarantine)
Demons & Angels (We meet good and bad versions of crew)
Back to Reality (The crew get different personalities)